September 2018 has been a September to remember because for the first time ever, I was looking forward to getting older! I wasn’t just getting older either, I was 30!! A new milestone and I embarked on a heart, mind and soul healing process.
September 2008- The 20 year old me was a much different version to the me today, I was bumbling through life lets say. I worked hard and played harder, spending most of my earnings on alcohol induced comas. I was a fighter back then and basically if anyone annoyed me, I generally gave them a mouth full of abuse or punched them. Lets not forget to mention the “boyfriends”, which were only ever meant to be my friends nothing more. I know this now and learnt the hard way!
I had given up going to Uni to be a paramedic because my Grandad had died suddenly the year before and I was not coping with his death well. So instead I came home to work on my dad and mum’s farm, whilst doing some shifts in pubs as well. I would literally work and work and work until I got ill, I made myself busy with young farmers or going out, so I never really rested. As long as I was “busy” it was ok, until I would have 1 drink too many and that would be the end of it! Oh how did I survive? I believe I can only thank God for putting some angels in my life, to put me to bed and take care of me, when I had thrown a proverbial wobbly! The relationship with my parents at this point was futile, my dad and I often argued, whereas my poor mum would be left “trying” to keep the peace and not take sides.
Having said all this I was generally happy don’t get me wrong! this description now is how I see myself looking back, not of actually living it back then. I thought I was fine and had everything I needed. The truth be told though I wasn’t living out my God given potential. I wasn’t following the dreams that had been intended for me, the heaven sent dreams that enable us to have incredible lives down here on earth.
Why wasn’t I living out my God given potential then?
Because I didn’t know that God is real! I didn’t know that Jesus is real! I didn’t know that although I don’t see them here walking around with me they are with me spiritually. I was incomplete without them! I had been disconnected from my Heaven sent dreams, because of childhood circumstances and choices I had made through my teenage years. Essentially I was siding with the devil.
It all really started I think when I decided to keep a secret from my parents, So because I chose not to tell my parents things they weren’t able to walk me through steps to make more informed decisions. It wasn’t my mum and dads fault that I chose not to tell them things! I knew my mum and dad loved me with all their hearts, because they shed tears with me over the years. When I was crying in my bed at night they were there as well, but I didn’t really know that the reason I was crying was linked to this secret! And because I hadn’t told them neither did they! So of course our relationship suffered, and I ended up hurting them as well, as myself and ultimately my relationship with God.
N.B- In case you’re thinking it God doesn’t do bad things to us, He didn’t chose for bad things to happen to me, the same as he doesn’t want it for you. Because He only ever does anything for our GOOD, even if we don’t see it then and there! The devil, uses other people and situations to try and destroy our lives and our relationships with God. Whenever bad things happen, we always end up blaming God and that is wrong! so so wrong this is the problem with the world God is who loves us so much He can help us to be healed!
So as a child I made choices on my own which can either cause a child to fight or to flight and I thank God I chose fight! This also meant though that because the relationship between my parents and I became damaged. I started my ” I can do it myself mission” which made me feel so alone, and its essentially what led me to continue to make the wrong choices, going against God rather than with him!
But do you know the best bit?? God never ever left me, in actual fact he chased me, he didn’t let me out of his sight once, which is why in dark days I never went through with the harming myself, because I didn’t feel worthy. Or I didn’t have an accident which caused me to be killed too soon! God was there always, but He wont force us to chose Him, he gives us a free will because He wants us to be free and to chose to LOVE HIM. The trouble is the devil doesn’t love us or want us free and he will do anything to try and destroy us from becoming like Jesus, and having good relationships.
I was the 1 sheep that had escaped the sheep fold (John 10) and Jesus came looking for me. Finally after 20+ years of doing it “on my own”, at 28 I chose to let Him into my broken, bruised and hardened heart, mind and soul and started the healing process which has led me on the incredible journey today.
So the 30 year old me is on a journey of discovery and for the first time ever I feel truly loved and worthy. This is part of my story and God is going to use it for good, and I believe it will do so much good.
Sending you love and hugs xx
For more of my story https://identityforwomen.com/2018/08/16/how-god-knew-i-broke-my-body-even-though-i-didnt/